Set in either a boys boarding school or some sort of facility for guys with curtain haircuts, Boys is a 1996 film in which Lukas Haas finds Winona Ryder unconscious in a field. And rather than call an ambulance or the police, he decides to hide her in his dorm room like she’s E.T. or something.

Also featuring Skeet Ulrich and John C. Reilly, Stacy Cochran’s movie is horribly acted, written and directed, and doesn’t make any sense. It turns out that Winona Ryder, with hair like Dylan Moran in Black Books, has fallen off and lost her horse. So she should really be called Winona Faller. She inexplicably takes a liking to Lukas Haas, despite his unspeakably bad hair and even worse personality. It all smacks of delusional adolescent fantasy.

My theory is that the entire movie takes place inside Lukas Haas’ becurtained head. The clearly troubled teen is locked up in an institution, after all. This is the only explanation for the film’s nonsensical events, from finding Winona Ryder in a field to her baffling affection for him, via some nonsense ramblings about a horse. It’s a dream I’ve had many times, but in my head the plotting is always much tighter.

Even with this revelation and Winona Ryder, Boys is an abysmal drama or possibly fantasy film.