From West Side Story to Gnomeo & Juliet, Shakespeare’s tragedy has been pulled in so many directions it almost seems invincible. Here to disprove that theory is director Jamie Lloyd, whose new stage version stars Spider-Man’s Tom Holland as Romeo, presumably chosen for his balcony-scaling abilities.

Possibly overwhelmed by the task of directing Romeo & Juliet in a way we haven’t seen before, Lloyd decides the best option is not to bother, and has the sweatpants-clad cast deploy their lines in a monotone into handheld mics (despite also wearing headsets) while standing in a row at the front of a bare stage. The result is not so much a production as a recital; the actors are static throughout, without even set decoration to counteract the play’s sleeping potion effect.

Apart from some half-baked video integration and Holland’s Marvel-sponsored biceps, there is nothing to look at, in spite of constant references to the wealth of Verona and its palatial surroundings. In fact the play is bafflingly divorced from the script; the characters stare ahead and describe their actions instead of doing them, like watching Joe Biden accidentally read the cues from the teleprompter. By the time the titular twosome have “died” (sat upright at the front of the stage), the urge to laugh is stifled only by the impulse to throw yourself off the balcony.

Presumably this is all meant to be super edgy but the effect is frustrating, given the wealth of material Lloyd had to work with. And while it cannot be easy to find fresh takes on a 400-year-old play, stripping it of all life seems the wrong approach, not least because it is hard to distinguish characters or establish chemistry when they are all dressed the same and not looking at each other. Surely if they want to avoid eye contact with anyone it’s the people who have paid West End prices for this.