Rambo: Last Blood

This week sees the release of two old people movies: Downton Abbey and Rambo: Last Blood AKA Rambo Number 5.

11 years after his last bloodbath, John Rambo (Sylvester Stallone) has put the mercenary work and illegal snake dealing behind him to become a full-time horse guy and weird uncle, while also developing a lisp for some reason. Then one day his adopted niece (Yvette Monreal) decides to go to Mexico to find her real father, which proves a bad idea for both her safety and the movie’s politics.

The movie quickly becomes an R-rated version of Taken, bearing no relation to the other Rambo movies or reality, as Stallone enters Mexico (without crossing a border) and Rambotically goes round threatening teenage girls and torturing Mexicans. Stallone’s story continues the previous instalment’s propensity for violence against children, begging the question of why he chose to make Rambo into a sex trafficking film series.

This is another ugly entry into a once entertaining franchise, and closes with the worst montage since Commando.¬†Rambo’s trajectory from pacifist victim to America’s most notorious serial killer is well documented (by us), but even for him the final act is sadistic, opting for Saw-style traps over any actual fighting. So it’s not an action film, not a Rambo film and worst of all, probably not the last film.

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