Instead of subjecting ourselves to Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire, we look back on the original clash of these titans, the dawning of a feud between ancient rivals that makes Stallone v Schwarzenegger look like Pine v Styles.

The American and Japanese monsters first crossed paths in 1962’s King Kong vs. Godzilla, the third film in their respective series, as well as their first in colour. Few franchises have gone so meta so soon, jumping the shark while battling a giant octopus (after opening with a Hamlet quote). The monster mashup concept is pure cartoon, abandoning all logic in the service of a story flimsier than the costumes.

The recut (and horribly dubbed) American version has even less of a plot, framing the action with a news broadcast by the United Nations (famous for their news broadcasts), which is unilaterally hilarious in its clumsiness; mid-sentence cuts, repeated shots and more awkward pauses than a Liz Truss interview. But the Japanese sequences are equally inept, opting for such cheap effects and toylike miniatures that even Godzilla looks embarrassed. The only convincing effect is the aforementioned giant octopus, achieved by filming a real octopus very close up.

Whatever the intention, the outcome is always entertaining, burning through its zero-plot to quickly deliver the promised kaiju battle – although “battle” is a stretch to describe a man in a monkey costume throwing rocks at a man in a dinosaur costume doing a dance. It is certainly more fun and self-aware than 2021’s Godzilla vs. Kong, not least because every exchange ends with someone blurting out the name of a rampaging creature like some sort of big animal Tourette’s:

• “What’s the matter?” “Giant octopus!”
• “Is there something wrong?” “Godzilla!”
• “Kong is attacking Tokyo!” “King Kong?”

By the time you reach the climax where an unconscious Kong (to clarify that is King Kong, not Ian Kong) is transported through the sky by a dozen helium balloons, you wonder if the franchise has anything left in the tank. And that was 30 films ago.