As today is Halloween, and most reviews on here are horror films, it is time for something truly scary: a Hallmark Christmas flick about an interior designer.

This 2016 romance follows an aspiring designer (Jessica Lowndes) whose fiancé leaves her for her cousin, leaving her face frozen in a permanent grimace. Not only does she have to attend her cousin’s wedding, she also needs to bring a date, or risks the greatest yuletide embarrassment since Band Aid.

In a moment of absolute madness, Layla invites self-proclaimed workaholic Seth (Daniel Lissing), whom she holds responsible for her jilting for reasons that are never really explained. At the wedding they pretend to be engaged, and a series of plot contrivances require them to continue their fake relationship until it becomes the only not-fake thing in the entire movie.

Just when the stakes couldn’t possibly get any lower, Seth asks Layla to decorate his massive house for Christmas, because nothing says holiday romance like being paid to be there. Essentially she must prove her eligibility as a wife by making a rich man’s house look nice. In reality she fails horribly but Seth is satisfied by the way she decks his halls.

If that doesn’t sound like much of a plot, the movie introduces a ticking time bomb by suggesting Layla has always wanted to be a December bride, and therefore has to get married in a matter of weeks. Apparently next December does not exist in this universe, along with feminism and vaguely realistic-looking snow.

Of course people are only watching this for romantic comfort viewing, but its idea of romance is a white woman decorating a house while a white man makes the sacrifice of taking Christmas off work. Maybe if the couple were even slightly charming the film would feel a little less 50 Shades of Christmas, but Layla has more sexual chemistry with her own brother than she does with Seth. Happy Halloween!