After a year off due to poor ratings (ie. we forgot the Oscars were happening), the Goblin Awards relaunches on a new broadcast home, YouTube, allowing viewers to easily switch over to something more palatable than a Hollywood awards ceremony, such as a hot dog eating contest or the Charlie Kirk shooting. Also following the incident at the Baftas we promise to bleep out any language viewers may find offensive.

The Sustainability Award for Worst Line (Sponsored by Shell)

This year’s sustainability award honours those eco-minded filmmakers who saved paper by shooting the first draft of the script, resulting in the worst lines of the year. Who can forget Kate Winslet’s immortal final words in Avatar: Fire and Ash: “I’m dying. But first I’m going to push out this baby.” Or this stark warning against technology from M3GAN 2.0: “Innovation, no matter how cool it may seem, is a ticking time bomb.” Or whatever this was in Final Destination Bloodlines: “Maybe my cancer passed my premonition on to you.”

But the worst line of 2025 deserves extra merit because it was actually improvised. The winner is of course Sydney Sweeney’s full-throated response to accusations of white supremacy: “I love jeans.” Congratulations Sydney, your publicist has insisted we mute the mic for your speech.

The FIFA Bravery Prize

Speaking of public humiliation, this category spotlights the Hollywood stars who took dubious moral stands in front of literally tens of people. The nominees are the producers of Flight Risk for boldly removing all traces of Mel Gibson from the film’s UK publicity but still letting him direct one of the worst movies of the year. Also in the running is disgraced director Brett Ratner, for courageously taking time out of his busy schedule of denying rape accusations to direct Amazon-funded White House propaganda piece Melania.

But the award goes to the star of the new Harry Potter audiobooks Keira Knightley, for bravely admitting she has never heard of JK Rowling. Convincing as ever, Keira!

Worst Sequel: The Squeakquel

Nobody asks for sequels but apparently we need them to provide streaming services with content and Harrison Ford with his pension. And this year saw some seriously second-, third- and seventh-rate stinkers. The Strangers: Chapter 1 got a sequel called The Strangers – Chapter 2, a film so lazy it forgot what punctuation to use. 28 Years Later was the worst thing to be shot on an iPhone since Greg Wallace joined Cameo. And the only thing even vaguely interesting about Scream 7 were Melissa Barrera’s comments about the media’s pro-Israel bias; “Why do they do that, I will let you deduce for yourself.” I wonder what she means?

Anyway, the worst follow-up of the year was Emerald Fennell’s Wuthering Heights, the disappointing sequel to Saltburn. With its intoxicating clash of class, obsession, perversion, revenge and necrophilia, Saltburn was basically a modern retelling of the Brontë novel, none of which was present in Wuthering Heights. Sadly Emerald can’t be here to collect the trophy because she’s working on an adaptation of Heidi with Bonnie Blue attached to star.

Best Picture (Presented by Forrest Gump)

But between Fear Street 4, John Wick 5, Predator 6 and Predator 7, there were also some good films released last year. Silent Night, Deadly Night and Good Boy proved there were still interesting horror stories to tell, One Battle After Another had it all (including a human actor called Chase Infiniti), while frosty thriller Dead of Winter sent Emma Thompson on the most perilous adventure of her career: ice fishing.

However, one British movie charmed everyone except the Bafta voters who preferred films like Sinners and Frankenstein. The Best Picture trophy goes to Tim Key and Tom Basden’s heartfelt and hilarious comedy/drama The Ballad of Wallis Island, not to be confused with Brett Ratner’s new documentary The Ballad of Epstein Island.

The Titanic II Memorial Award for Biggest Coincidence

Maybe it was the supermoon or all the synthetic chemicals in the water, but 2025 was a remarkable year for coincidences – from Sydney Sweeney finally denouncing white supremacy just in time for the release of The Housemaid (after her previous film Christy had one of the worst opening weekends of all time), to Quentin Tarantino slagging off There Will be Blood‘s Paul Dano just as Paul Thomas Anderson was getting heaps of critical attention for One Battle After Another.

And if the cynics among you don’t think those were coincidences, tell that to the character in Dangerous Animals who kept sending girls onto his friend’s shark-diving boat and thought there was nothing remotely suspicious about none of them coming back. Or the entire town in Weapons, who assumed the sudden arrival of a clown just happened to coincide with all the children disappearing.

But the biggest coincidence of all was Gwyneth Paltrow’s character in Marty Supreme exclusively hanging out in places where table tennis competitions were happening. Well done Gwyneth, and please keep the goblin statuette where we can see it.

That concludes today’s ceremony, now if you could kindly move your chairs to the back of the room for Erika Kirk’s In Memoriam breakdance performance.