I think this yoghurt is haunted. That’s the last time I buy Paranormal Activia.

I’ve wasted enough time complaining about found footage films, so I’ll spare you another rant about watching some dickhead family’s tedious home movie, or that there are probably more scares in The Peanuts Movie, or why the Paranormal Activity franchise thinks it should expand into the third dimension before it’s mastered the first two. Instead, here’s a list of more enjoyable ways to spend 90 minutes:

• Repeatedly stub your toe against a brick
• Watch a marathon of ITV’s celebrity shepherding competition Flockstars
• Enter an anaconda swamp wearing an “anacondas are bastards” tshirt
• Dinner with Jacob Rees-Mogg MP
• Onion smoothies