The Goblin Awards 2015

Roll out the red dresses and put on your fanciest carpet, it’s time for the Goblin Awards, our annual antidote to the Meryl Steep awards Oscars.

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Please welcome your hosts… Boris Johnson and Arnold Schwarzenegger!

1. The Donald Trump Award for Worst Wig

Untitled-12015 was a great year for the wig business, with honourable mentions going to Evangeline Lily for Ant-Man and Steve Carell for The Big Short. But the nominees for the toupee trophy are: Paul Giamatti for his role as “music bastard” in Love & Mercy, and Paul Giamatti for his role as “music bastard” in Straight Outta Compton. And the winner is… Paul Giamatti, for whatever! Take a bow, Paul… but not too low. DM

2. Best Cardigan

Will the cast of Shaun the Sheep the Movie please cover their eyes, as we come to the knitwear award. The nominees are: Saoirse Ronan for Brooklyn, Tom Hardy for Legend and Ian McKellen for Mr. Holmes. But the winner, in terms of raw thread count, is Saoirse Ronan! Congratulations Saoirse, you are the owner of a goblin statuette engraved with your misspelt name. DM

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3. The PETA Animal Attack Award

Sponsored by Josh Hutcherson, the Animal Attack Award nominees are: the whales from In the Heart of the Sea, the dinosaurs from Jurassic World, the bear from The Revenant and the Krampus from KrampusYou might argue that he’s not an animal, but unlike the Academy, the Goblin Awards celebrate diversity. And the Goblin goes to… The Revenant, for the most gruelling encounter with a bear since we accidentally tuned in to Running Wild with Bear Grylls. DM

4. Overrated Film of the Year

Ever see a film everyone loves and wonder what all the fuss is about? That’s happened to us quite a few times this year, making this a very competitive field. From the mediocre The Big Short, that has inexplicably been showered in award nominations, to the incoherent final instalment of the Hunger Games franchise, or Spielberg’s good looking but passionless Bridge of SpiesAll of these failed to live up to either their hype or their praise from critics.

But the award goes to John Wick – this year’s The Guest. With a stupid plot that revolved around a dead dog or something, and yet another horrible performance from Keanu Reeves, this was hailed as the best action film since The Matrix, but was actually the worst action film since The Matrix Revolutions. Bizarrely it earned an 85% rating on Rotten Tomatoes and a sequel. To put this in perspective, Over the Top has 36% and no sequel. AC

5. The Saving Mr Banks memorial prize for revisionist Hollywood history

Just as films based on a popular novel, comic book or other film are a safe bet, so too are those based on the life of a real person. But why let pesky historical facts get in the way of your film?

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This year saw the Kray twins rendered as lovable rogues and real-life huntsman Hugh Glass given a Native American child. But the prize goes to Straight Outta Compton, for its re-imagining of Dr Dre as an all-round good guy, carefully skipping over his domestic violence convictions. Could it be anything to do with the fact he produced the film? Sorry, I’m just being cynical. AC

6. The ‘he’s dead, Jim’ award for film most likely to kill its franchise

This is a two horse race between Fant4stic and Terminator Genysis, also the shortlist for the Stupid Spelling of a Film Title Award. Sorry to people who hated the new Avengers film (like me) but that’s a juggernaut that won’t be stopped so easily.

Both nominees are examples of how a big budget film in a well-known franchise doesn’t guarantee success, especially if your film fucking sucks. The award could quite easily go to either film since they both were not only the worst films in their franchises, but two of the worst films of the year, and were both so bad their sequels have been shelved.

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“You are terminated”

But here the award has to go to Terminator. The recent Terminator instalments, while poor compared to the original, at least suggested the franchise might still have legs, and with Arnie back there was reason to be optimistic. But then they cast Jay Courtney as Kyle Reese, Emilia Clarke as Sarah Connor, and made a film so bad you want to go back in time and kill everyone involved before they can make it. So whereas Fant4stic failed to bring the superhero franchise back to life, Terminator Genysis actively killed Terminator. A Terminator terminator, if you will. AC

7. Best rehash

Star Trek and X Men: First Class blurred the line between prequel and reboot to a point of irrelevance, allowing new additions to franchises to re-do their original film in a way that meets demand for nostalgia from the oldies and is exciting for youngsters, and this year there was plenty to choose from.

star warsJurassic World kicked things off, as a bigger version of Spielberg’s original, and still had teeth. But the real contenders for best rehash are the latest Rocky and Star Wars films. Creed took the plot of the original Rocky but had Sylvester Stallone play Mick and Michael B Jordan play Sylvester Stallone, and it was actually really good. So much so that it’s won Stallone his first Oscar nomination in years and, more importantly, the Redeemer Award at the Razzies.

But there can only be one victor, and that’s Star Wars: The Force Awakens. The most successful film in history is a re-run of a film from 1977, but it’s also one of the year’s most loved films, and one of the most carefully made action films in some time. JJ Abrams truly is the master of the rehash. AC

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