The Dark Tower
A boy, Jake (Tom Taylor) has strange visions of another world, where a dark tower keeps darkness at bay (…except its own). When he finds his way there he meets […]
Tag Archives: crap
Evan Almighty
A former TV personality gets elected to Washington and finds himself having to build something ridiculous. This sort-of sequel to Bruce Almighty features Bruce’s smarmy co-host Evan (Steve Carell), who’s […]
Hulk
Bruce Banner (Eric Bana) is a nuclear researcher with a dark and convoluted past. His estranged father (Nick Nolte) coincidentally worked in the exact same field, carrying out experiments with […]
The Mummy
It’s the first in our new series where we’re reviewing all the films in the Universal Dark Universe! It begins with the discovery of an Egyptian tomb in London (yes, […]
Bridget Jones’s Diary
Bridget (Renée Zellweger) is jonesing for a man so badly that she’s not prepared to wait for one who’s actually nice to her. This 2001 rom-com is as lazy as […]
Godzilla: King of the Monsters
The world’s most infamous reptile is back for round two as team Monarch tags him in. Monarch in this case is a crypto-zoological organisation with the same logo as Extinction […]
Gotti
John Travolta plays the eponymous real-life mob boss in Gotti, very much this decade’s Battlefield Earth. Both films star a mad-haired Travolta, lost millions of dollars, and saw their parent […]
The Curse of La Llorona
Everyone’s favourite extended universe is back! But enough about Avengers: Endgame, here’s the new instalment in the Conjuring franchise. Producer James Wan has spent the last 6 years making monsters […]
Hellboy (2019)
Imagine if instead of making The Return of the King, New Line had started a new Lord of the Rings trilogy, featuring Milla Jovovich and a song by Muse. That’s […]
Johnny English Reborn
As if there weren’t currently enough reasons to be horribly embarrassed by all things English, Johnny English Reborn is now on Netflix. This 2011 sequel opens with Johnny English (Rowan Atkinson) […]
Screen Goblin 