Frozen

I finally set out to watch the phenomenon and biggest-grossing film of 2013 when stuck for 11 hours on a plane, but it’s actually not a very good plane movie. This is in part due to the social embarrassment of being an adult male being seen to watch it, but more importantly because it is a film that freezes time itself.

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I know I’m not the target audience for this film, but any regular readers will know we Goblins are more than willing to enjoy films that aren’t necessarily marketed to us. But it’s no exaggeration to say I hated every single second of Frozen.

Two princesses live in a castle, one of whom has magic powers which mean she can make things out of snow and ice. After accidentally injuring her younger sister she must hide her power, until it suddenly bursts out at her coronation ceremony years later freezing the town she’s supposed to be ruling over. Distraught Elsa (Kristen Bell) runs from the city to live in an ice fortress.

This is Disney at its worst. A film ostensibly about love feels empty and vapid, as plastic, thinly voiced characters spend half the film talking about what love means and how to find it without creating a second of genuine feeling. The younger sister constantly defines herself by the men she’s interested in (even though she can’t be older than 16) and it’s yet another film about spoilt, pretty white people.

The comedy sidekick is Olaf the Snowman, who dreams of warmth and summer, but he has an annoying voice and isn’t at all likeable or funny. They’re accompanied by Kristoff, an ‘iceman’, whatever that is, whose business is damaged by the big freeze. He does, however, provide the most close to enjoyable moment of the film when he performs a duet with his reindeer, doing both their voices.

The songs are utterly forgettable thanks to the by-numbers composition, lack of famous actors and empty vocals, and the animation is utterly run-of-the-mill. I was left struggling to work out the reasons for its huge success given the 8-year-old girls it’s so squarely aimed at are unlikely to constitute the entire $1.2bn it grossed. There are just not enough 8-year-old girls and parents who love their children enough to sit through this.

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