A crocodile, a wolf and a gorilla walk into a bar and throw a pile of 50ps in front of the barman. He says: “We don’t serve animals.” The gorilla: “In that case I’d like my silver back.”
The biggest monkey/Rock crossover since Gorillaz, Rampage is a new video game adaptation about a crocodile, a wolf and a gorilla being accidentally exposed to a weaponised growth pathogen that The Rock appears to have been eating as well.
After a staggeringly dull first half that introduces this genetic modification research or CRISPR (which sounds like a dating app launched by Gary Lineker), the film eventually delivers what we’re here for: gigantic animals (including The Rock) punching, biting and smashing each other into skyscrapers.
Director Brad Peyton does to Chicago what he previously did to San Andreas and our brain cells, deploying a ridiculous level of destruction that leaves you wondering why The Rock doesn’t resolve the whole thing peacefully by flashing that grin at the monsters and charming them into submission.
His character here is the same man as in San Andreas, except he’s changed his name and befriended this gorilla called George. The whole thing is dumb as a rock and attractive as a pair of Crocs, but still preferable to Kong: Skull Island as far as monkey attack movies go.
Rampage isn’t worth your hard-earned 50ps but if you want to skip to the bit at the end where a flying wolf gets beaten up by a gargantuan reptile then it’ll probably be on Netflix in a while, crocodile.