A group of Romans venture north over Hadrian’s Wall in search of lost soldiers, but find themselves getting Pict off by a mysterious creature. What could it be?

This film wants to be Praetorian Predator (“if it’s bleeding there’s a good chance we’ll be able to follow it”) but ends up being a Highland lowlight. It begins with a claim even more unambitious than the oft-used “based on true events”, as it claims “there is truth in all things”, yet it’s only downhill from there thanks to the clumsy dialogue, artificial lighting and all-round historical reenactment quality.

There are two good things, the first of which is the cinematography: with big aerial shots of the Scottish Highlands it’s at least easy on the eye in parts. The other is that the mystery assailant isn’t shown until the very end, something which is rarely done in its CGI-laden contemporaries. This is especially wise as when we finally see the terrifying beast it’s a bloke in oversized Halloween shop teeth that will have you howling with laughter.

This results in it being the joint least scary film I’ve ever seen, along with every other completely non-scary film. Obviously made on a shoestring budget I was amazed it’s showing at Cineworld, and that’s where I saw Geostorm. After an endlessly long 85 minutes the film ends. And I don’t mean it reaches a climax, it just ends after some obviously retro-added dialogue, like they ran out of money mid scene and had to improvise. Viewer be-were.