Please put your hands and faces together for the Goblin Awards, the more in-touch and less violent antidote to the Oscars.

The Farm d’Or 

Stop me if you’ve herd this one but animals ruled the roost in 2021, appearing in more films than hot dinners. This prize has proved contentious among sci-fi fans following the controversial eliminations of the space slugs from Dune, the monkey from Godzilla vs. Kong and the spider-man from Spider-Man, which left the contest a three-horse race between the lamb from Lamb, the pig from Pig and the cow from Cow. And the winner is… vegans! For doing their bit to combat cinematic pollution.

Best Makeup and Hairstyling

Another close-run race this year, with fierce competition from the Matrix team who aged-up Keanu Reeves to look about 30, and the people who made the cast of Dune appear to know what was going on. But the Goblin goes to Till Death, for maintaining Megan Fox’s hair, makeup and manicure through enough beatings, car crashes and drowning attempts to fill several Oscar ceremonies. Here comes her acceptance speech: “If you’d have told me during How to Lose Friends & Alienate People that I would one day be making headlines for comparing a colleague to Hitler, I would have assumed it was Toby Young.”

The Starship Enterprize

Few celebrities had a busier 12 months than William Shatner, who starred in an Amazon documentary on his Amazon-funded trip to space (Shatner in Space) and a rom-com (Senior Moment) about a nonagenarian who likes fast cars falling for a septuagenarian who likes tortoises, featuring the line: “I like fast cars, you like tortoises.” In a shock result, the gong goes to Halloween Kills in honour of Shatner’s role as the original Michael Myers mask. Sadly Bill couldn’t make it so Jeff Bezos is accepting the award on his behalf, a real honour for the goblin statuette. Getting to hold a plastic trophy.

Worst Melissa McCarthy Netflix Movie

The Oscar-nominated Melissa McCarthy spent 2021 being driven round and round the Netflix studios in a golf buggy and emerged with a pair of what the streaming platform has chosen to categorise as “Movies”. Judging by its production values and critical reception, the superhero fiasco Thunder Force was just one Meryl Streep cameo away from a Best Picture nomination. But the runaway winner is the Netflix cot-death comedy The Starling, which may sound paradoxical but who can honestly say Melissa McCarthy’s hilarious pratfalls don’t make them think of infant death syndrome?

Fan Favourite

In a desperate bid to piggyback on the Oscars’ publicity, and lacking the insurance to beat up our host (Clifford the Big Red Dog), we opened our final category to a public vote. But going down the provocative list of contenders (Don’t Look Up, Last Night in Soho and Space Jam: A New Legacy) we realised we don’t need to court controversy or rely on violence to stay relevant, and instead nominated a more wholesome winner: The Boss Baby: Family Business. Please welcome Alec Baldwin!