Assassin’s Creed
With hangovers barely cured from New Year’s celebrations, anyone hoping that 2017 will be a better year than 2016 had better ignore the warning signs of this 1 January release. […]
Tag Archives: crap
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
Kevin Costner, megastar of the nineties but latter-day nonentity, is hopelessly miscast as the tight-clad outlaw of Sherwood Forest. When away on the crusades his father (Brian Blessed) is murdered […]
The Crappening
M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening opens with promise. Mass suicides mysteriously occur across the East Coast. Builders fall from scaffolding en masse like 100 Madonnas at the Brits. New Yorkers in Central Park suddenly stop […]
Frozen
I finally set out to watch the phenomenon and biggest-grossing film of 2013 when stuck for 11 hours on a plane, but it’s actually not a very good plane movie. […]
The Punisher
After watching The Punisher, I was astonished to read that it was made in 2004. This is, in part, due to the fact most of the action is done in camera: […]
Shrek the Third
Soon after the events of Shrek 2, the frog king of Far Far Away (John Cleese) is dying. On his deathbed (or lily pad) he names Shrek (Mike Myers) as […]
The Darkness
The latest laughable title from Bumhouse is The Darkness, not to be confused with the rock band of the same name – though like the band, this film is shrill and doomed to […]
Mamma Mia!
Mamma Mia! is clearly a film made by people who love ABBA. This is evidenced by their absolute conviction that ABBA songs, even ABBA songs sung and staged horribly, require […]
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
Billing itself as the “gladiator match of the century”, Batman (Ben Affleck) takes on Superman (Henry Cavill) to see if either of them can convince fans to part with their cash. Who […]
Plan 9 From Outer Space
Plan 9 from Outer Space is a strange mix of terrible special effects, stock footage and sets the size of cupboards which combine to make one of the shoddiest films […]
Screen Goblin 