Wish Upon

Final Destination meets Bruce Almighty in a new horror film called Wish Upon. I don’t know why.

Based on The Monkey’s Paw by W. W. Jacobs, Wish Upon follows Clare (Joey King), a high school student who comes into possession of a mysterious Chinese music box. The box grants her 7 wishes, which she uses like a responsible teenager to cure cancer and kill Donald Trump. Just kidding; she wishes to be the most popular kid in school, for a hot guy to fall in love with her, and, most inexplicably, for her dad to be “less embarrassing.”

Through a combination of Wikipedia and slightly racist Chinese backstory, Clare discovers that every time she makes a wish, someone close to her dies. And then she carries on making wishes. I guess the box has some sort of curse-like hold over her, though that’s never fully explained. Neither is why the box mostly just kills animals, old people and ethnic minorities.

That’s the entire film. Clare makes a wish and it comes true, someone dies in an elaborately comical Final Destination style, and repeat process for 90 minutes or until you get bored and turn it off, whichever comes first. As a movie, it’s as mechanical and wooden as a music box. The Simpsons‘ version of The Monkey’s Paw from Treehouse of Horror II is way funnier and, yes, scarier.

With characters less relatable than those of The Emoji Movie and stunning metaphysical dialogue about “multiverses, different planes of reality, yadda yadda yadda”, Wish Upon is an insipid, idiotic feature. Buried underneath all this schlock is the idea that material possessions and popularity come at a grave price; namely, having to sit through this movie.

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