I’ve long recommended exercising caution around films with exclamation marks in their title, whether it’s Stop! or My Mom Will Shoot, Win a Date with Tad Hamilton!, Mamma Mia!, or Darren Aronofsky’s Noah! Ok that one doesn’t really have an exclamation mark, unlike Aronofsky’s new horror movie Mother!, featuring Jennifer Lawrence and Javier Bardem, star of one of my favourite jokes:
I had to throw a famous Spanish actor out of my pub for being too drunk. Javier Bardem? Nah, just told him to come back when he’s sober.
— Johnny Candon (@johnnycandon) September 20, 2012
Lawrence and Bardem play a couple who live in a big, unfinished house, where mysterious strangers keep arriving and refusing to leave. Things soon spiral out of control, leaving more questions than it answers. Why am I watching this? Why doesn’t Jennifer Lawrence leave? Why don’t I leave?
Evidently, Aronofsky has been given free reign to make whatever he wants. Sadly what he wants to make is an 18-rated M. Night Shyamalan film, complete with crude close-up camerawork. Two hours of nonsensical dreck. Two hours of Jennifer Lawrence walking into rooms and saying “what are you doing here?” and “you can’t sit there.” Two hours of the beginning of The Hobbit, when dwarves keep arriving in Bilbo’s house and he has to pretend not to hate them, without the saving grace of everyone eventually fucking off to bother a dragon.
I hate Darren Aronofsky’s Mother! For giving birth to the man who made this film. It’s self-indulgent, self-important drivel, repetitive to the point of tedium. It isn’t scary, clever or even stylish. The only scary thing is the age gap between Bardem and Lawrence (*shudders*). You can forget the wicked motherhood horror of Rosemary’s Baby or Prevenge, because this bastard is stillborn.