The Goblin Awards 2017

After an Oscars ceremony where the biggest surprise was a Christopher Nolan movie winning awards for sound, please welcome your host for the annual Goblin Awards!

“…Turns out I’m the only guy left in Hollywood actually protecting women!”

Worst Actor

Let’s kick things off with the year’s worst actor, a category boasting strong competition from Dane DeHaan as Keanu Reeves as Valerian, and Gerard Butler as Gerard Butler in Geostorm. But the runaway winner, turning in not one, not two, but 23 terrible performances in one terrible film, is James McAvoy for Split. Congratulations James, unfortunately we can’t let you do 23 different speeches. There are no time constraints, we just don’t want you to.

Wankiest Food Scene

This year’s wankiest food category is a literal toss up between Timothée Chalamet fucking a peach in Call Me By Your Name and Rooney Mara eating a pie in A Ghost Story. And the Goblin goes to Mara’s 4-minute pie binge for being even wankier than the actual wanking scene. Well done Rooney, you sure beat off some stiff competition.

Worst Supporting Actor

An M. Night Shyamalan movie.

A tough category this year, thanks to particularly irritating turns from John C. Reilly in Kong: Skull IslandKevin Hart in Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle and Jack Black in Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle. However, one man out-irritated them all… it is of course James McAvoy for his lisping-child personality in Split. Please wait for us to attach the spit guard before making your speech.

Worst Actress

Another close race this one, but despite strong competition from Cara Delevingne in Valerian and Kristen Stewart in Personal Shopper, there can only be one winner: Jennifer Lawrence in Mother! for her mind-numbing delivery of such iconic lines as “What are you doing?” and “You can’t sit there.” Way to go Jen, that’s your second Goblin in as many years! James McAvoy better watch his backs.

The Derek Smalls Award for Worst Facial Hair

Honourable mentions go to Dave Franco in The Disaster Artist and everyone in Free Fire for their frankly unspeakable moustaches, but the worst facial hair award goes to Kenneth Branagh for whatever monstrosity crawled its way onto his upper lip while filming Murder on the Orient Express. Congrats Ken, you’ve won a razor. Don’t worry about the blood stains, they’re left over from when I sat through your film.

Worst Supporting Actress

Nominees include Hong Chau’s affront to the Vietnamese in Downsizing and Abbie Cornish’s affront to cinema in Geostorm. But the coveted goblin statuette goes to none other than James McAvoy for his woman personality in Split, where we only know he’s supposed to be a woman because he’s dressed as Rachel from Friends. Nice twist, Shyamalan.

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